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As I was leaving I noticed a beautiful unfinished painting by him…. It was of a woman with her head resting on one side in a dreamy reverie. Her mouth was half-open. The image was full of love. Paul, young or old, does not scorn the idea that gratitude can exist between muse and artist, and move in two directions: love lessons becoming art lessons, and vice versa. But she does not romanticize the price of entry, and from the start knew to be cautious. Rather then meet Freud the following week, she avoids the Slade, preferring to stay at home, drawing. He starts calling.

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She meets him the following day, at his insistence. The moment she arrives at his door he presses her against the wall and starts kissing her again. I felt guilty and powerful. Freud was fifty-five. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams. Her name was Linda Brandon. Each worked secretly, separately, late at night, inspired by envy of the work left behind by the other.

I sensed, with relief, that her passion for painting was beginning to fade. Paul is put forward for the Slade. In adulthood, things change.

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Female creativity finds itself in conflict with traditional feminine responsibilities:. One of the main challenges I have faced as a woman artist is the conflict I feel about caring for someone, loving someone, yet remaining dedicated to my art in an undivided way….

It was a conflict of desire that I suffered at first with Lucian….

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He spoke admiringly to me of Gwen John, who had stopped painting when she was most passionately involved with Rodin, so that she could give herself fully to the experience. I felt that there was a hidden reproach to me in his words. There is a tension between seeing and being seen. I was never naked normally.

I knew that it was the way the skin of my breast rumpled under the touch of my hand that had attracted him. I felt exposed and hated the feeling.

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I cried throughout these sessions. He also painted two actual eggs in the foreground of the picture—in case, perhaps, the connection was obscure.


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One effect of the eggs is to emphasize how much the flesh looks like meat beside them, and the material under Paul like a tablecloth, as if she herself is part of the meal. Paul began to develop a different understanding of what it means to see and be seen:. I needed to work from someone who mattered to me.

The person who mattered most to me was my mother. Their necessity gave them their force. I have noticed that the men I have worked from are interested in the process of painting and in the act of sitting. The silence, when I am working from men, is less interior. She entered into the silence with her soul. Her face assumed a rapt expression. My painting was raised to a higher level, too, because of her elevated state.

The air was charged with prayer. She was always ecstatic if she felt she had sat well. With his own sitters, Freud liked to talk and be listened to. Freud painted the visible: flesh, breasts, eggs. Gowing called it the best painting done by a Slade student. Freud admired it, too, as Paul does not omit to mention:.


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One of the subtle methods of this crafty book is insinuation, creating new feminist genealogies and hierarchies by implication. There are the similarities in the composition: the resting hand, the averted eyes, the cramped space, and the rectangular escape-hatch—for Paul a mirror, for Freud a door, but in both cases opening onto a different view, like a release valve from the intensity of family life.

But to imply a mutual influence between these painters is also to highlight the differences in approach.

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This improvised family group sits together in a room of little warmth—rusting pipes, peeling paintwork, half-rotten greenery—against which they are each sharply outlined, like anatomical examples of their kind. Under their skin, Freud uncovers his familiar butcher-shop pinks, his blues and grays—suggestive of veins, arteries, and organs—which are then echoed in the meaty shades of the exposed walls, and likewise make the case for inevitable decay.

Despite the physical proximity, each figure seems locked into her or his private world and there is no emotional empathy between us. We look lost and isolated, like sheep huddled together in a storm. The storm, of course, was Freud himself, father of fourteen acknowledged children with six women. Traditionally, museography has considered critiques of such arrangements tediously puritan.

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Although, by the time Freud died, in , a grudging shift was taking place. They are all there for Lucian, only for him. The youngest child looks less like a child reclining than a rag doll, destined to remain wherever you drop her. A year into their relationship, Paul discovered that Freud had several young lovers at the Slade. Devastated, she cautiously expressed her pain to Gowing, he of the kind letter about unpainted paintings.

Everyone at The Slade was gossiping about Lucian, and they delighted in telling me about all the people he was having affairs with. I became severely depressed. One night I swallowed a packet of Veganin [a painkiller], washed down by a bottle of whiskey. This landed me in hospital.


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  4. I went home to recover. After this she remains with him. Color varies from black to brownish-yellow. Sharp spines on rump and tail. Habitat and Habits: Lives in forests or in brushy areas. Herbivorous ; likes salt. Lives 7 - 8 years.